a_girl_named_em (a_girl_named_em) wrote,

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Starting Over (Don't worry, there's a TL;DR)

I haven't post anything in a long, long time. And I've missed it terribly. I love journal-ing/keeping a diary. That being said, I want to start over in a way. Things are going to get a lot more drama filled around here. I'm going to go crazy soon too, probably. Which should all make for an interesting read.

But, if you want to know what's been going on with me lately, I'll tell you below. But I'll warn you; it's going to be long. That's what he said. Yeah, that's right. He says things too. It's gonna be a long night (morning, actually, it's 5:30 am), folks...

1.) I just now decided it would be easier to do numbers. That way I don't ramble. Hopefully.

2.) School has ended. Yes, I am SO happy about it. I hated school. Hated it. Nah, I wasn't bullied or anything like that, but I just hated it. I kinda hate people. I hate getting brushed against in the hallways. I hate hearing about how high some stupid pothead is at that very moment. I hate hearing about someone's latest sex story. I hate the whole shebang. But,I roughed it out. I 'graduated'. Meaning I got to walk with my class. Woo... Basically, I was 1 credit away from getting my diploma. 1/2 a Freshman English (I passed 11th English; can I not get a pass?), and 1/2 an Algebra II.

3.) I was going to take classes at this center nearby to make up the credits. You come in and do the class online at your own pace. Simple. I'd be done in two months, tops. Oh, and all for the low low price of about 400 freaking dollars. Yeah, um...my family can't afford public school. How are we supposed to pay that? Long story short, my dad 'forgot' to enroll me, and said he didn't have the money anyways. Alright, that's cool. I did my private crying and wallowing, and moved on. Told myself I could do it over the summer, because once your class graduates, the price goes down to $25.

4.) I can't do it over the summer because the price does not go down to $25. Alright, really starting to get pissed now. Turns out the reduced fee starts in August. Now this is cutting into college. But fine, I'll get it done. Somehow. You can't keep me down! I want my education!

5.) OMFG WTF AM I GOING TO DO, MY DAD CAN'T FILL OUT A FAFSA! Yeah. Turns out you need some specific information to get a FAFSA. The thing that will give me lots of free money to go to school and do the thing I love.

6.) "No, no, it's cool. I'll hook you up with SRS"* my school social worker said. So, she got me into contact with my caseworker, Jim. Jim makes me so happy I bawl just thinking about him. Me and my dad go meet with him to set up my life plan and stuff, and he says he will pay for everything. All school stuff, instruments, lessons, all of it. Even for my glasses that I need once a year, and can even get me some gas money. Awesome! Oh, but one catch. I have to apply for the Pell Grant. Yeah. The Pell is a part of the FAFSA. Which Jim knew I couldn't do. So he said "Sorry, but, um...fuck you."*

*Not a direct quote.

7.) My boyfriend and I have decided to move out together into an apartment/small house along with a friend or two of his. Rent would be super cheap. Awesome! And we'd be in town, so I could actually get a job! More awesome! Fuck yeah! Let's do it, baby!

8.) Boyfriend wants to move 3 hours away to go to school. He wants to try it again, even though last time he was miserable, hated it, and failed all his classes because he hated them and didn't even show up. Alright, that's cool. You've put your stuff on hold for me, I can do the same for you. We'll go the 3 hours away together just as soon as I get my diploma. We agree on it over dinner, and are both excited.

9.) Screw you, it's happening now. Excuse me, what? Yeah. About two days later I get a text saying it's happening once the semester starts up again. Hmm...what happened last time? Oh yeah, you were miserable, failed, I went further into a huge depression, started cutting again, and pretty much just wanted to die. So, yeah...more awesome...

10.) Fuck your dreams! So, my dad and step mom want to split. Meaning, my dad wants to move back several states away. Taking my two sisters and two brothers with him. I want to stay here to go to my dream school, and to stay with my boyfriend as well. We've been dating a long time, we're serious, and have detailed future plans. It makes sense, except for the whole me feeling really guilty all the time, more depression, more cutting (Oooh, fun!), and all that jazz. Except my boyfriend wants to move away as well. And I kinda can't go to college without a diploma or, oh yeah, money. So my last choice would be hoping my dad doesn't actually leave my step mom (we've become a close, fucked up family. Plus my dad is a complete pansy), or moving along with my dad and siblings.

11.) What in the hell am I supposed to do about school, and getting a job? I have never had a job before because I don't have a car. You need money to get a car. Need a car to go make money (How did I NOT pass that math class?! Oh yeah...family emergencies and depression...go figure). So, if I get a job it would need to be somewhere close enough I could walk to without much fear of getting raped, killed, robbed, or all three. Kinda live in a bad neighborhood. More fun. The fun times just keep rolling at the Em household! :D After months of searching, I found one super close, it's right across the street. I have officially applied to be a morning hostess for a restaurant inside a hotel. Hours? 5:30-3:30. Am. Oh well. It's a job, it's close, it's money, and I would like the work. I just really hope I get the job. Please let me get the job.

11.2.) School. It's basically out of the question until A) I move out on my own for a couple of years, which is impossible, you need money for that. B) Turn 24. That's a long wait. I need something now. Or C) Emancipation. But you need a reason. Something besides "all this legal crap is shit. Fix it. Make me independent, 'kay?". So, I've been looking in getting a, and I shutter at the idea, GED. I know, I know. It's harder than getting a diploma. There's more requirements. I admire the hard work people put into getting them. But all I can think of is what a future employer will think/wonder seeing that. Will that cost me a job just because I don't have a regular diploma?

11.3.) I've also thought of becoming an RN, or get EMT training. I wouldn't work at a hospital; hell no. I don't need that on me. I'm not that strong. Nope. I'd go work at a Senior Center, or be a Caregiver. I like old people. They're cool, don't give a shit about what someone thinks, and have awesome stories. Plus they're adorable. I wouldn't go near hospice, either. I wouldn't make it. But talking to a little old lady/man that just needs someone to cook for them and talk to them, and get their pills? I can sure do that for you. But these are just thoughts. Not my passion, or what I want to do. I just need a job that has some security, and I want to be able to enjoy the work. I would love working with old people, or helping out in a daycare. I'd love it. But it isn't my passion.

12.) Boy drama. I don't even know where to start. I've known this guy, who we'll call Z, for about 6 years. He was my first love, and I still love him. How could I not? He's an amazing guy, still one of my best friends, and was my first love. You don't forget stuff like that. We've also never met. But more and more I find myself wishing to talk to him more. Wishing to meet him in person. Wishing to know that I'm making all the right choices. This may sound pathetic, it may sound like I'm a bitch, and it may sound cliche. But I feel like if I don't meet him in person, I'll never know if I'm doing the right thing by staying here. I know I have a boyfriend. I love him, I do. But some of the things he does...it makes me wonder if I'm settling. It sounds horrible, I know. But let's face it, I'm not pretty. I'm not special. I don't have a nice body...but my boyfriend does care about me. So I wonder sometimes: Is my brain telling me that I love him, while knowing I'd never find anyone else to be with? I love and adore my boyfriend. He's so very good to me. But it makes me wonder...what would I do if I met Z? Would he sweep me off my feet? Would he hate me and no longer want to be my friend? Would we stop talking? Would everything be awkward? Would I lose my best friend? Would I be even more confused? Will the sky turn red and everyone's nose fall off? The hell if I know.

13.) Z has told me I should come see him. That I could stay at his house for a while. While yes, I would love this, I wondered how I would pay him back for his kindness. He of course said I wouldn't have to, but I always feel like a free loader and I hate it. I really do. I want to be able to visit him and repay him somehow. I want everything to work out perfectly. I want to meet Z. I want to forget everything that is going on and just go off for a while.

14.) To end this list on a happy note, I've taken up knitting. I love it, and it relaxes me. However, it looks like shit. When I finish this washcloth/learning square, I'll post pictures. And then we can have a nice laugh at my square that is becoming a triangle.

15.) Had to fix my OCD. 15 is the perfect number. Sorry. And sorry for the super long/woe is me post. Thanks for sticking with me. It means a lot. Seriously. Thank you.

TL;DR: Don't be an ass. I numbered my points, you dick.

Follow/Message me on Twitter:@AGirlNamedEm
My Formspring:http://www.formspring.me/AGirlNamedEm

I'll update my twitter whenever I post something new, and I'll probably start updating my twitter a lot more; possibly more than I do here.

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